Overall Grade: F
Body Count: 18
I’ve seen Friday the 13th parts 1-4. I’ve seen Nightmare On Elm Street 1-4 as well. It was time for me to see Freddy vs. Jason, and since it’s not on my lineup this October…I’ll watch it now as a gearing up movie. I’ll be writing thoughts as the come to me, live-blogging it. You can read my reviews of both of those sets of 4 earlier on this blog.
The movie starts out with a monologue from Freddy on basically who he is and why we should be scared of him. Also he mentions the “I have no power if people don’t remember me” angsty teen drama on which his movies are based while clips from some of his movies are playing. Then he introduces Jason and we see Jason hunt down some pointlessly topless woman in some hellish dream sequence, where he sees his mother (actually a shapeshifted Freddy) tell him to go kill children on Elm Street. I guess there’s only one in the world, ‘cause that’s the only direction he gets. Elm Street. The opening credits are thankfully short, and incredibly absurd. We see skin that gets chopped up and falls into pieces forming New Line Cinema. Then we get some speed metal that’s perfect for the late 90s/early 00s vibe the movie is dropping.
God, just over 11 minutes in and this script is painful. Let’s make sure to hit all the tropes early on…sex-obsessed asshole guy. Floozy girl. The weird but kind of nice guy. The girl who gets criticized for not having sex or dating after her mom died. All dropped in 10 minutes, and the first 5 were Freddy’s diatribe.
We get our first real Nightmare On Elm Street-style mindfuck nightmare shortly after Jason’s first real-world kill, and it’s just as hokey as in the original Nightmare movies. We get another one minutes later, like in Nightmare 2, in way too quick succession. And when we’re back, Jason’s killed another. 3 deaths in 20 minutes.
Oh, man. The TV station is KRGR. That’s…absurd. Also, this movie is super disjointed at 24 minutes in. Too many characters, too much plot. Freddy’s coming back through the fear Jason is causing, Jason thinks his mom is commanding him, there’s this girl with the dead mother and father who is Mitt Romney at 65, the police are trying to hide not let memories of Kreuger get out, there’s some dude in a mental institution who knows the main character…I don’t know. It’s crazy.
Why would the police have released the only 4 people who were present at the time of the murder? Without questioning? It makes no sense. Plus…we just got another plot point! Geek is in love with (who I can only assume will be) Final Girl.
A direct quote from the movie: “1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you. You know why they sing that? Cause that’s when he comes for you”. To borrow a line from xkcd, the first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club. Oh my goodness, Freddy just put his claws in this girl’s nose and said “got your nose”. Holy crap. So one of the escaped mental patients figures out the whole plot before the movie breaks out into a rave scene. There’s not enough Jason at this point. He’s gotten the only kills so far, but damn. Not enough Jason.
This movie also telegraphs its Lewton Buses (build up of tension only to a fake scare). It’s…aggravating.
Why is this girl dreaming? When did she fall asleep? That’s the kind of crap I don’t like from the Nightmare movies. We never see anyone fall asleep, and it’s always in the most unlikely place that these victims doze off…so anything can happen at any time. It takes away a lot of suspense, when I think they’re doing it to try to cause it. This girl just tripped and fell. When I’m sleeping and I do that, I wake right up to stop myself.
WHOA. Guys. Jason just stole a kill from Freddy. It was glorious. This scene is the best so far in the movie…this idiot throws his beer on Jason, then lights him on fire instantly with a tiki torch (that’s how all alcohol works, right?), then gets chased by a flaming Jason through a cornfield. Which he lights on fire as he runs. Then goes on a mass killing spree.
Then, we’ve had a lot of death…so let’s layer on more plot. Final Girl’s father killed her mother, it wasn’t even a car accident like he said. And he had Handsome Boy institutionalized because he saw the whole thing.
And we’re back to what’s probably a dream sequence that we don’t realize is a dream…oh, yep. There’s Freddy. And there’s the kid that played Scott Farkus in A Christmas Story, all grown up.
The sheriff’s department seems to know everything about Freddy AND Jason. Was Camp Crystal Lake near Elm Street? How did Freddy even know about Jason in the first place? And how does this cop guy know all about Jason. And how does this kid know that this isn’t a copycat, but the real Jason? Then Handsome Boy figures everything out? And this stoner guy wants badly to be Jay of Jay and Silent Bob. This movie is just awful.
We’re in a hospital now, time to put a blue filter on everything. Let’s layer on more plot, though, cause we just killed a security guard. There’s a drug that stops people from dreaming. Called
Teamocil Hypnocil, it was given to all of the patients at this mental hospital. Those who ‘didn’t stop dreaming’ were put into comas by Final Girl’s dad. Now we get a pot smoking scene with Snootchie Bootchies and Kreguer, he must have fallen asleep at some point. Creepy coma patients and Kreuger worm later, and Kreuger has infested Snootchie Bootchies and is controlling his body in the real world. Jason shows up and electrocutes a guy, which is pretty badass. Then we get the Freddy/Jason showdown I’ve been waiting for this whole movie. Freddy gets his arms chopped off, but grows them back because we’re in the dream world. Then he says “welcome to my nightmare”, which makes no sense because this shouldn’t be scary for him at all. He has complete control.
Then this enjoyable scene of two slasher heavyweights (which I have to admit Freddy is even though I don’t like his movies) loses me. Freddy throws Jason around the boiler room like a pinball, complete with pinball sound effects and the line “tilt” from Freddy at the end.
WAIT. GUYS. I FIGURED IT OUT. Jason’s vulnerable to water. But otherwise he’s invulnerable. GUYS. UNBREAKABLE WAS A PREQUEL ABOUT JASON IN BETWEEN DROWNING AS A KID AND BECOMING A SUPERVILLAIN.
Then we watch Freddy put a steel finger into Jason’s brain and see what he’s afraid of? He can do that? I just don’t get the rules in all of these movies. Also…the line “you mean you’re not coming” is a clear stupid set up for a terrible joke.
There’s 20 minutes left. How are there 4 main characters left alive? Vapid, self-obsessed bitch whose nose Freddy ‘had’ earlier in the movie is still alive. I did NOT expect that. Same with the power geek. And Handsome Boy. Of the power squad, we’ve lost the cop and Snootchie Bootchies. That’s it.
Thank goodness there was a lit lantern and a gasoline can in this abandoned camp cabin. That adds some ambience to this Freddy vs Jason final fight. Where Jason is just kicking Freddy’s ass. It’s actually pretty enjoyable to watch, I’m not going to lie. Which is good because the scene before it got very very uncomfortable to watch. I won’t go into details but it involved the camera on Final Girl’s face and some awful noises.
Vain Girl has just confronted Freddy, who called her dark meat. Holy shit. If she doesn’t pull a revenge “got your nose”, I’ll be disappointed.
The fight between Jason and Freddy picks back up, and the two get into more and more crazy situations. tanks of some kind, weird bars that impale Jason, etc., until Jason and Freddy seemingly kill each other. Jason has been blinded by Freddy, who also stole Jason’s machete…Jason pulled out Freddy’s heart after Freddy was pulled into the real world? I don’t know. Freddy stabbed Jason with his own machete, Jason has impaled Freddy with his own claws (he cut off Freddy’s arm earlier), they both seemingly die and fall into the lake (which Friday the 13th movies have shown only heal Jason…duh).
And then Jason walks out of the lake holding Freddy’s head. Which winks. Neither one died. Dammit. This whole movie was a waste of time. I don’t know why I expected it to be anything but.
The speed metal over the end credits reaffirms that this movie was not made for me. Sheesh.
Jason kills: 17
Freddy kills: only 1? Really?
Jason wins hands down.
My rating: Some pretty entertaining fight scenes put this at a solid 10 for me. That’s the highest I can do with this movie, though. It was pretty hawful.