Freddy Vs. Jason

Released: 2003

Overall Grade: F

Body Count: 18

I’ve seen Friday the 13th parts 1-4. I’ve seen Nightmare On Elm Street 1-4 as well. It was time for me to see Freddy vs. Jason, and since it’s not on my lineup this October…I’ll watch it now as a gearing up movie. I’ll be writing thoughts as the come to me, live-blogging it. You can read my reviews of both of those sets of 4 earlier on this blog.

The movie starts out with a monologue from Freddy on basically who he is and why we should be scared of him. Also he mentions the “I have no power if people don’t remember me” angsty teen drama on which his movies are based while clips from some of his movies are playing. Then he introduces Jason and we see Jason hunt down some pointlessly topless woman in some hellish dream sequence, where he sees his mother (actually a shapeshifted Freddy) tell him to go kill children on Elm Street. I guess there’s only one in the world, ‘cause that’s the only direction he gets. Elm Street. The opening credits are thankfully short, and incredibly absurd. We see skin that gets chopped up and falls into pieces forming New Line Cinema. Then we get some speed metal that’s perfect for the late 90s/early 00s vibe the movie is dropping. 

God, just over 11 minutes in and this script is painful. Let’s make sure to hit all the tropes early on…sex-obsessed asshole guy. Floozy girl. The weird but kind of nice guy. The girl who gets criticized for not having sex or dating after her mom died. All dropped in 10 minutes, and the first 5 were Freddy’s diatribe.

We get our first real Nightmare On Elm Street-style mindfuck nightmare shortly after Jason’s first real-world kill, and it’s just as hokey as in the original Nightmare movies. We get another one minutes later, like in Nightmare 2, in way too quick succession. And when we’re back, Jason’s killed another. 3 deaths in 20 minutes. 

Oh, man. The TV station is KRGR. That’s…absurd. Also, this movie is super disjointed at 24 minutes in. Too many characters, too much plot. Freddy’s coming back through the fear Jason is causing, Jason thinks his mom is commanding him, there’s this girl with the dead mother and father who is Mitt Romney at 65, the police are trying to hide not let memories of Kreuger get out, there’s some dude in a mental institution who knows the main character…I don’t know. It’s crazy.

Why would the police have released the only 4 people who were present at the time of the murder? Without questioning? It makes no sense. Plus…we just got another plot point! Geek is in love with (who I can only assume will be) Final Girl. 

A direct quote from the movie: “1, 2, Freddy’s coming for you. You know why they sing that? Cause that’s when he comes for you”. To borrow a line from xkcd, the first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club. Oh my goodness, Freddy just put his claws in this girl’s nose and said “got your nose”. Holy crap. So one of the escaped mental patients figures out the whole plot before the movie breaks out into a rave scene. There’s not enough Jason at this point. He’s gotten the only kills so far, but damn. Not enough Jason. 

This movie also telegraphs its Lewton Buses (build up of tension only to a fake scare). It’s…aggravating. 

Why is this girl dreaming? When did she fall asleep? That’s the kind of crap I don’t like from the Nightmare movies. We never see anyone fall asleep, and it’s always in the most unlikely place that these victims doze off…so anything can happen at any time. It takes away a lot of suspense, when I think they’re doing it to try to cause it. This girl just tripped and fell. When I’m sleeping and I do that, I wake right up to stop myself. 

WHOA. Guys. Jason just stole a kill from Freddy. It was glorious. This scene is the best so far in the movie…this idiot throws his beer on Jason, then lights him on fire instantly with a tiki torch (that’s how all alcohol works, right?), then gets chased by a flaming Jason through a cornfield. Which he lights on fire as he runs. Then goes on a mass killing spree. 

Then, we’ve had a lot of death…so let’s layer on more plot. Final Girl’s father killed her mother, it wasn’t even a car accident like he said. And he had Handsome Boy institutionalized because he saw the whole thing. 

And we’re back to what’s probably a dream sequence that we don’t realize is a dream…oh, yep. There’s Freddy. And there’s the kid that played Scott Farkus in A Christmas Story, all grown up. 

The sheriff’s department seems to know everything about Freddy AND Jason. Was Camp Crystal Lake near Elm Street? How did Freddy even know about Jason in the first place?  And how does this cop guy know all about Jason. And how does this kid know that this isn’t a copycat, but the real Jason? Then Handsome Boy figures everything out? And this stoner guy wants badly to be Jay of Jay and Silent Bob. This movie is just awful. 

We’re in a hospital now, time to put a blue filter on everything. Let’s layer on more plot, though, cause we just killed a security guard. There’s a drug that stops people from dreaming. Called Teamocil Hypnocil, it was given to all of the patients at this mental hospital. Those who ‘didn’t stop dreaming’ were put into comas by Final Girl’s dad. Now we get a pot smoking scene with Snootchie Bootchies and Kreguer, he must have fallen asleep at some point. Creepy coma patients and Kreuger worm later, and Kreuger has infested Snootchie Bootchies and is controlling his body in the real world. Jason shows up and electrocutes a guy, which is pretty badass. Then we get the Freddy/Jason showdown I’ve been waiting for this whole movie. Freddy gets his arms chopped off, but grows them back because we’re in the dream world. Then he says “welcome to my nightmare”, which makes no sense because this shouldn’t be scary for him at all. He has complete control. 

Then this enjoyable scene of two slasher heavyweights (which I have to admit Freddy is even though I don’t like his movies)  loses me. Freddy throws Jason around the boiler room like a pinball, complete with pinball sound effects and the line “tilt” from Freddy at the end. 

WAIT. GUYS. I FIGURED IT OUT. Jason’s vulnerable to water. But otherwise he’s invulnerable. GUYS. UNBREAKABLE WAS A PREQUEL ABOUT JASON IN BETWEEN DROWNING AS A KID AND BECOMING A SUPERVILLAIN. 

Then we watch Freddy put a steel finger into Jason’s brain and see what he’s afraid of? He can do that? I just don’t get the rules in all of these movies. Also…the line “you mean you’re not coming” is a clear stupid set up for a terrible joke. 

There’s 20 minutes left. How are there 4 main characters left alive? Vapid, self-obsessed bitch whose nose Freddy ‘had’ earlier in the movie is still alive. I did NOT expect that. Same with the power geek. And Handsome Boy. Of the power squad, we’ve lost the cop and Snootchie Bootchies. That’s it. 

Thank goodness there was a lit lantern and a gasoline can in this abandoned camp cabin. That adds some ambience to this Freddy vs Jason final fight. Where Jason is just kicking Freddy’s ass. It’s actually pretty enjoyable to watch, I’m not going to lie. Which is good because the scene before it got very very uncomfortable to watch. I won’t go into details but it involved the camera on Final Girl’s face and some awful noises. 

Vain Girl has just confronted Freddy, who called her dark meat. Holy shit. If she doesn’t pull a revenge “got your nose”, I’ll be disappointed. 

I’m disappointed. 

The fight between Jason and Freddy picks back up, and the two get into more and more crazy situations. tanks of some kind, weird bars that impale Jason, etc., until Jason and Freddy seemingly kill each other. Jason has been blinded by Freddy, who also stole Jason’s machete…Jason pulled out Freddy’s heart after Freddy was pulled into the real world? I don’t know. Freddy stabbed Jason with his own machete, Jason has impaled Freddy with his own claws (he cut off Freddy’s arm earlier), they both seemingly die and fall into the lake (which Friday the 13th movies have shown only heal Jason…duh). 

And then Jason walks out of the lake holding Freddy’s head. Which winks. Neither one died. Dammit. This whole movie was a waste of time. I don’t know why I expected it to be anything but. 

The speed metal over the end credits reaffirms that this movie was not made for me. Sheesh. 

Jason kills: 17

Freddy kills: only 1? Really?

Jason wins hands down. 

My rating: Some pretty entertaining fight scenes put this at a solid 10 for me. That’s the highest I can do with this movie, though. It was pretty hawful. 

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A Haunted House

Released: 2013

Overall Grade: Krull. But not even enjoyable Krull.

Starring: Marlon Wayans, Essence Atkins, Marlene Forte

Morbid curiosity. If I had to explain what drove me to watching this Paranormal Activity/possession movie spoof written, starring and produced by Marlon Wayans, I’d use those words. Morbid curiosity. How bad can it really be?

Well, 2 minutes in and there’s already been jokes about a dog humping legs, the phrase “I’ma kiss you with my dog ball mouth” and an obnoxious main character established. And then the dog dies.

The first four minutes and I’m already regretting hitting ‘play’. The movie tells the story of Malcolm and Kisha, who have moved in with each other. Paranormal Activity style, Malcolm has decided to record everything that happens. This lends itself to several moments of “how did they get that shot”, which obviously detracts from the movie’s premise…but that’s small potatoes. I’m sure the simulated sex scene (literally…Malcolm (Wayans) is simulating what it’s going to be like when he has sex with his girlfriend. With stuffed dogs. A la https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG9Q2hFgOBg) has some sort comic appeal to someone…but it isn’t me. 

Less than 10 minutes in…fart joke! We’re talking high-brow humor here guys. Just classy stuff. And not just one fart joke. SEVERAL. Ugh. Also a bunch of racist jokes are made pretty quickly. Like….a whole bunch. 

The movie does make a joke about how quickly people jump to “something is weird” in these movies. Hey, I found something positive to say! 

Another thing to say about this movie: GRATUITOUS. All sorts of absurdity. Gratuitous sex. Gratuitouis breasts. Lots of just over the top stupidity obviously trying to get a cheap laugh. And about as subtle as Fran Drescher’s voice. 

Another positive thing: once it becomes clear that there’s a ghost in the house, Malcolm tries to get the hell out of there. Like a normal person would want to do. And some funny jokes shortly thereafter. Well, one. Then we go back to the terrible jokes. 

Another problem I have with this movie is the predictability of this joke. The telegraph their punchlines so hard, and they don’t stray from what they’ve set up.

I feel this movie could have been better if they’d transitioned into the general possession film parody earlier. They spend an hour on the Paranormal Activity parody, and the movie gets much more enjoyable once they transition into the possession stuff. It still doesn’t hit enjoyable, but it’s more enjoyable than incredibly awful. It’s just awful. I feel like all of the scenes they used in the trailer are from the last 30 minutes of the film. 

Some of the topics they make light of in this movie: 

Abortion, gang bangs, child abuse, anal rape, altar boy molestation, developmentally disabled people, domestic violence (I quote directly here: “Domestic violence is amazing!”) and more! If tasteless humor is your thing, and I mean non-stop tasteless humor, then this movie is for you.

If it isn’t…avoid this movie completely. This movie is just awful. It’s available on Netflix. But maybe don’t check it out. 

My Rating: 23

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Watching one of my favorite movies by candlelight and while drinking local beer after managing a team at work today.

Watching one of my favorite movies by candlelight and while drinking local beer after managing a team at work today.

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A Fantastic Fear Of Everything

Released: 2012

Overall Grade: C

Starring: Simon Pegg, Paul Freeman, Amara Karan

This movie tells the story of Jack (Pegg), a playwright who has developed severe agoraphobia due to his research on murders. A meeting gets scheduled between him and a movie exec, and he freaks out. He starts to make National Treasure like conclusions that are absurd, assuming everyone is out to kill him.

I am a sucker for movies that have fun or interesting opening titles. This has some fantastic art and great score over the starting credits.

This movie is one of the weirdest movies I have ever seen. It’s silly and fun. But also has some great moments of tension and bizarreness, Some good moments of creepy what-the-shit are incredibly enjoyable. It reminds me of Bunraku in terms of not taking itself seriously, but manages it so much better than Bunraku did. 

My biggest issue with it is that there’s so much build-up, just to have it branch off down another path in the last 30 minutes of the movie and resolve from there. Kind of. It just seemed like a half-assed completion to a movie that, up until that point, had been very enjoyable.

It’s still a good movie. I might watch it again to see if there’s anything I missed (in the last scene, there’s a news line on a board that references something from earlier in the movie, but there’s no attention called to it. I wonder if there are other things like that hidden throughout). If you have a couple of hours to kill, and maybe a beer or two, I’d suggest it. It’s on Netflix!

My Rating: 79

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Away We Go

Released: 2009

Overall Grade: A

Starring: John Krasinksi, Maya Rudolph, Allison Janney

Away We Go is a movie that I feel epitomizes the indie movie genre. Solid actors, but not necessarily big name actors, a soundtrack form a mostly unknown musical artist (Alexi Murdoch. Seriously, look up his album Time Without Consequence. It’s a really great album, and most of it comprises the all-Murdoch soundtrack), slow-paced but witty comedy. 

It tells the story of Bert (Krasinksi) and Verona (Rudolph), a couple who is pregnant and try to find a new place to live. The two visit several different places trying to find their perfect place. It’s a surprisingly poignant film, with some really great moments of comedy throughout. Jim Gaffigan has a little rant that cracks me up every single time I watch it. Almost every line from Bert is hilarious, including the most unromantic love speech I’ve heard (“I will love you. Even if I can’t find your vagina”). 

I guess to a point I relate pretty strongly to these characters, which is maybe why I enjoy them so much. But I think it’s really the portrayal of Bert and Verona, and most of the supporting characters, that makes them so incredibly realistic and easy to relate to. You immediately warm to Bert’s goofy charm (from Krasinski, a fairly easy trait) and to Verona’s uncertainty. For a 20-something who carries a less-than-small amount of uncertainty myself, this movie hit a chord with me. Bert reminds me of my twin sister’s boyfriend more than anyone else, with his sweet side but his goofy side as well. 

One of the things I love about the script is the realistic dialogue. There are a few times that things are mentioned that aren’t explained (Verona tells Bert’s dad he looks great, “you can hardly tell”, but it’s never explained what is meant by that). It strikes me as the way people actually interact with each other, and I’m endeared that much more to the movie.

My only issues with the movie are a couple of points…mostly Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character and her family. They seem…over the top. I mean, I know there are people out there like them; I’ve met people like them. But they seem caricatures meant to only draw laughs. Which is something at which they are very successful, particularly when they get their comeuppance! But they still seem a bit heavy-handed. It’s really my only criticism of the movie, aside from the last line of the movie. It’s a great line with the exception of the gratuitous use of “fuck” in the line, which adds a sense of desperation 

I highly recommend this movie. The realistic acting and script, the hilarious portrayals, the incredible soundtrack, and the gorgeous cinematography combine to make a really impressive and touching movie.

My Rating: 96

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Crystal Fairy and The Magical Cactus and 2012

Released: 2013

Overall Grade: F

Starring: Michael Cera, Gabby Hoffman, Juan Andres Silva

I read about this movie at the end of last year, and thought it sounded interesting. So when I saw it was on Netflix, I threw it in my queue! I watched it tonight after my first workout in 2014 (It’s been a busy year. Not too busy to work out, but that’s the excuse I’m giving for not working out until mid-March. It’s really because I’m a lazy slob). 

Crystal Fairy and The Magical Cactus and 2012 tells the story of Jaime (Cera), an American on a Chilean hunt for a magical cactus whose liquid give you an incredible high. He and his friend (Silva) are joined by a strange girl whose name is Crystal Fairy (Hoffman) on their trip to a beach, where they intend to drink this incredible liquid. 

I had a hard time enjoying the first part of this movie. Michael Cera is just such an overbearing asshole, which I know is kind of the point of the first part. But it still is laid on so thick that you wind up really disliking his character and not caring if he redeems himself towards the end. 

At one point, once they have achieved the San Pedro cactus, they’re sitting around a fire talking. This is the scene I enjoyed in terms of how it was shot. There’s a few shots of Jamie sitting with his back to a rock, his shadow being cast much larger then he against it. It’s a very interesting imagery, implying (in my mind) that there’s a lot more to him than we are able to see. 

Once everyone starts tripping balls on this cactus juice, the movie just…gets weirder. Jamie opens up a bit, and starts having more fun, but he’s still pretty dickish. Crystal Fairy gets naked for no real discernible reason. Even when it seems like he may have turned a corner and become a better person, it doesn’t seem to really come from a natural place and seems uncharacteristic for him from what we’ve seen.

Then, after they come down from their trip, we see another confessional bonfire scene where Crystal Fairy tells a big important story that moves Jamie to tears for some reason…while it is a moving story, it still seems out of place. He hasn’t had any sort of character-changing experience, and it’s weird. I feel like the writers knew what they wanted out of the movie before they started writing it, and half-assed the ending. Though I’m hesitant to use that word. The movie ends so abruptly and without resolution that it is incredibly aggravating. I just spent an hour and thirty eight minutes watching a story that doesn’t resolve? Thanks, Obama.

Maybe because I don’t do drugs, I just didn’t get this movie. Maybe I’d understand it more if I lived a more adventurous life than the one I live between my couch and my laptop. Maybe as time wears on, I will come to like this movie more. As it is, I was thoroughly disappointed with this movie, and would not suggest it to anyone. 

My Rating: 23

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Drinking Buddies

Released: 2013

Overall Grade: A

Starring: Jake Johnson, Ron Livingston, Olivia Wilde, Anna Kendrick

Not since Safety Not Guaranteed has there been a movie so promising in my eyes. One hell of a cast, a movie about brewers, and there was no script. They knew what would happen overall from scene to scene, but the dialogue was improvised.

Seriously, this movie was really enjoyable. I spent the whole movie not really sure what was going to happen or how it would end, and I LOVE when a movie is able to keep me guessing. As long as it isn’t like The Prestige and is done intentionally to keep you guessing. The plot is captivating, the acting is fantastic, and the soundtrack is brilliant. Spoilers from here on out, so pour yourself something hoppy and sit up here at the bar with me.

The overall plot is this: Olivia Wilde and a very bearded Jake Johnson work together at a brewery. Luke (Johnson) is a brewer and Kate (Wilde) is an event coordinator. The two are great friends and have great chemistry together, and regularly spend time with each other. They are both in relationships, Kate with Chris (Livingston) and Luke with Jill (Kendrick). The four of them go to spend a chunk of time together in a beach-side cabin for a weekend. One thing leads to another, and Chris and Jill wind up kissing (in what’s a very well-done combination of scenes showing each pair spending time with each other, Chris and Jill here and Luke and Kate there, both having fun.) What I like about it is that it’s not the couple you expect to kiss.

The rest of the movie shows the characters after the trip; Chris breaks up with Kate, and Jill struggles with whether or not to tell Luke, while the friendship between Kate and Luke gets a little strained as Kate goes a bit wild(e? Get it? Because she’s played by Olivia Wilde, you see. I added an ‘e’) in coping with her new single status. We see a few great scenes where you can tell Jill wants to tell Luke about what happened but doesn’t and instead brings up if they are going to get married. 

The acting here is great…a friend who was watching the movie can attest to the fact that I was going crazy that she was not telling Luke. You could see she wanted to, but changed it around instead to kind of getting on Luke’s case about his seriousness in regards to their relationship. She goes on a trip to Costa Rica with some college friends, leaving simply Luke and Kate to spend time with each other. Luke helps Kate move, and there’s a weird argument between the two where it might be implied that something happened between them. It’s hard to tell; which again is something I enjoy in a movie. When you get to discuss the potential meanings of this line or what was meant by that edit, I enjoy the movie experience so much more. There’s a lot that is implied as a possibility in this movie, and I love that it’s left out in the open, up for interpretation.

The ending to the movie is again, not what I was expecting, but so incredibly satisfying. It’s available on Netflix Instant Watch, and is 90 minutes of very enjoyable movie. 

My Rating: 95

2013

Released: 2013

Overall Grade: D

Starring: Daniel, Jenny, Philip, Sarah, Assorted Friends and Family

2013 was a tumultuous year. Lots of good. Lots of bad. It’s about to get super personal up in this bitch, so get ready.

The year started out on an interesting note. I rang the new year in with a friend from elementary school, Sarah, with whom I had recently reconnected. Lots of drinking occurred, and she and I wound up kissing. Shortly thereafter, we decided to start dating. And so began one of the most passionate relationships in which I have ever been. As cliche as this sounds, she really did make me want to be a better person. I embarked on several personal improvement projects. I lost a significant amount of weight, I got my personal health in order, and started seeing a therapist to work on my mental health. The one I started with was crap; she’d check her phone in the middle of sessions, and didn’t seem to really listen. Quick to diagnose and suggest medication, which I was not too huge on. I found a new one and was incredibly pleased with his support. I still regularly see him and get a lot of great insight with each session. 

Early in January, I tried to get some friends together to shave their heads for the St. Baldrick’s Foundation, a charity which helps fight childhood cancer. We couldn’t agree on a date for any existing event, so we decided to put together an event of our own in March! A really incredible experience, the foundation of St. Baldrick’s is a really incredible group with which to work. We gathered a great amount of things for a raffle, and had a lot of people willing to shave their heads for such a great cause. The volunteers we got to help out with the minutiae of the the actual event and our host, local brewery Natty Greene’s, all combined to make our event the success it was, with us raising over $10,000! Without a doubt one of the best things I have ever done.  

Shortly thereafter I turned 25 in April! Not a whole lot occurred with it…just had a great birthday with friends and family. By that time, Sarah and I had decided to move in together! We moved in to a mutually new place in May. Our relationship was going…nowhere near well enough to have made the decision to move in, and definitely not as quickly as we did.

For Valentine’s Day, I received a gift of tickets to see one of my favorite bands, Guster, in Boston! I’d wanted to go to Boston for some time, and Sarah, my girlfriend, got us tickets to see them and Dispatch (one of her favorites) in Boston in June. It was very exciting! We planned a really great trip and went up there for a weekend. We got to see some great stuff, the historical aspects of that town are so incredible.We also went to the Harpoon brewery, which was great! It was a really fun time.

By the time we got back, it was evident our relationship was going south. It still took a couple of months for things to finally end. A whole bunch of drama went down during her birthday celebration weekend between her and my best friend, Philip. Lines were drawn and she made me pick between the two of them. After stating I was unwilling to do so, we decided that it was time for us to go our separate ways. It was a rough and tumultuous break-up, which led me to realize that it was easily the worst relationship I have been in. I was not treated with much respect, and I let myself get taken advantage of a lot throughout the course.

September rolls around and I get to a major, major milestone in my life: I moved into my own apartment! It had been truly incredible living on my own. Expensive, I’ve had to cut come things back, but truly worth it. I also started going to college! 7 years after graduating high school I realized it was time to start my continued education, focusing on Business Administration. My English 111 class was great fun; I got to write about friends of mine, talk about existentialism, and wound up with an A in my first ever college course!

In October, I hosted a month-long movie marathon of horror movies (for the second year in a row)! My reviews came from that, and I heartily enjoyed each movie and the experience. Only one movie was watched on my own; the company was greatly appreciated during the rough waters of the recent break up. The support of my friends, particularly those who picked movies for me, meant the world. 

November and December flew by. A couple of trips up to Richmond to enjoy improv comedy festivals with my improv team, A really crazy time at work, including getting turned down for a couple of new positions, a new manager at work, and becoming a real leader within my business group…an incredibly satisfying year at work. The rest of the year sped by…a couple of intense revelations about my life and my past relationships that my friends were around for to really help me through.

I got to see so many bands this year: Guster and their strings, Guster and Dispatch, They Might Be Giants, The Mountain Goats, several local bands, and a show of Guster (3 times this year), Barenaked Ladies, and Ben Folds Five! A crazy year with lots of highlights, and one driving force for its lowlights. Getting to see one of my favorite bands (The Mountain Goats) that I hadn’t seen before in a great venue that’s about to close (The Soapbox in Wilmington) was a specific highlight along with the incredible experience of the St. Baldrick’s event, which I’ve already started organizing for 2014. 

Unfortunately, some of the highlights turned into lowlights when I realized what they truly were in the context of my relationship, so all-in-all, this year was not that great. 8 months of a mess and 4 months of incredible support and friendship in the last part of the year. Thanks to everyone reading this who has been there for me during my rough times. I may still be a little self-involved going in to 2014; I have a lot of stuff to work through emotionally still, and have to focus on myself to get it resolved. 

My Rating: 64

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Next Post

So I’ve decided to post my next ‘review’ in the style of my movie reviews, but, in fact, have it be a review of this year. Get excited: all kinds of emotion will be flying around. 

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Trick ‘r Treat

Released: 2007

Overall Grade: B

Starring: Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker

So this might be one of the best movies to watch on Halloween I know of. Weaving together five tales that all occur on the same night in the same town, it isn’t, strictly speaking, a phenomenal story. It contains several plotholes. The acting is sub-par. There’s some needless gratuitous sex and violence. You know…Halloween in a nutshell. Spoilers from here on out, so wrap your head in a burlap sack and read on! If you can read through all that burlap. 

The stories it tells involve a woman who hates Halloween, a group of kids going to an abandoned rock quarry, a group of college girls looking for dates, a father and son who have a twisted definition of the holiday, and an old man with a secret that’s coming back to haunt him. 

The first story is more a prologue, but, as it turns out, happens at the end of the movie, chronologically speaking. It does a really good job of preparing the viewer for what they are about to see: A story with sex, fake blood, a hint of the supernatural, and lots and lots of pumpkins. Seriously, this movie must be set in Morton, Illinois, pumpkin capital of the world (though this is heavily debated) based on the crazy number of jack’o’lanterns seen throughout the movie. Each story has its own dark twist, including a man who seems to regularly kill children and women, a bus driver who killed a bus full of mentally challenged children, and a bunch of werewolf whores. 

The number of child deaths in this movie is staggering. Something like 13 or 14 of the deaths in the movie are children. The one point where this movie loses me is in the climax of the film when the old man is fighting the burlap-sack-covered large-headed child that keeps cropping up from story to story. He’s a creepy, creepy kid until that sack gets ripped off, and we see hokey effects that remove the fear and cause more chuckles than anything else. Sticking with my propensity for letting the audience’s imagination take over rather than show something and give a goofy, childish looking face to it.

All in all, while it’s not a great movie, it’s a great Halloween movie, and I highly recommend curling up with a pumpkin beer, lighting some bleeding candles, and breaking out the candy you told trick-or-treaters you were out of while watching this movie. It adds to its ambience.

My Rating: 84

Body Count: 22

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